Whoopi Goldblog is dead until further notice (which means about August unless something dramatic happens). Thanks for the memories, internet!

I wish I had a lot of weed

So I haven't really accomplished anything since I finished my exam. I got really drunk on Saturday and acted a fool but since then i've pretty much just sat around the house. I did meeet Harriet's parents on Sunday which was kind of exciting. I was super shy and awkward for some reason which made things a little more entertaining. I drank heaps of their wine though and apprently they liked me so it was a pretty good result.


I got bored of blogging.

I wonder if I'll blog more in Wellington? I will be working so maybe I'll be a hardcore work blogger. I wrote my best ever blogs at work last year. The 'Lunch Log" series is my all-time favorite. 5 or so blogs about what I ate for lunch that day.

Today I ate leftover stirfry. Stirfry is way way better with noodles than with rice. Rice is a joke invented by chinese people to make westerners eat crap.

Fucking milestone duud

Woooooooooooooo

I just finished university!

I never have to do an exam again (unless I end up doing post grad or another degree which I probably will).

Wooooooooooooooo

I am already drinking. Whiskey bombs are very strong when you use stout.

I am going to get stoned later.

Everything's coming up Milhaus!

Pizza Eyes

Do you guys think it's appropriate for me to nickname my gf 'Potato'? I have a feeling its not but I just want to check.

I was so drunk on Saturday. I became magically spastic. Luckily I mostly only spoke to Potato and she is incapable of hating me.

I have exactly 1 month of university left.

I just booked my flight home. Sunday 11th November, 8am. I'm very excited. There's a week between my last exam and my flight. I'm going to get so drunk.

Last night I went to an Art Party, it was crazy! It’s like there’s a whole parallel scene operating! I felt very dumb and country. I did enjoy not having to talk to anyone though.

I’m starting a new job tomorrow, from noon till 6pm I will be one of those dicks with clipboards who hassle people into taking surveys. At least I will get some money. No more porridge for dinner. If you want to visit me, come to Shell in Newton. That’s where I’ll be, getting jiggy with it (my clipboard).

I had to tell my parents about maybe bringing Miss Lady with me when I go back to Wellington. They were very positive, I was not. The whole idea is kind of scary. There is a long-term relationship on the horizon and it is freaking me out.

If I were running for president of the United States of America, my campaign slogan would be


BREAKFAST PIES

AND BURRITOS!

Is that a haiku?

Picture of the week:

Something about this image pleases me greatly.

Girlfriends are great!

These are my top 3 verbal cartoons by Dan Liebert. I haven't read all of them but of the ones I have read, these are the best. You can find more on the McSweeney's website or at www.verbalcartoonist.com. I've often been tempted to use this blog to just collect together McSweeneys stuff.

But Who Will Play Me?

If they ever make a musical about my life, there will probably be a lot of songs about jacking off and pizza.

Roaches.

Roaches haven't changed at all in 60 million years—except for this one: I just put tiny velour underpants on him.

Feelings.

When women ask you to share your feelings, I found out that they really just want to hear about love.
They don't give a damn if you're feeling "patriotic and hungry."

Secret Plan

Auckland readers, I have some news for you. Remember that secret plan I talked about a couple of months ago? Well, here it is: Come the end of this semester, I’m moving back to Wellington for about 6 months. The reasons are twofold, firstly, because I’m bored of Auckland and miss my family/friends back in Wellington and secondly, because I need to save some money and that’s way easier in Wellington. The money saving is so that I can afford a round the world trip next year that will hopefully fill up the remaining 6 months (probably more). The reason the plan has been secret for so long is that whenever I hear friends are leaving the country or city or whatever, I stop taking such an interest in them. Why bother making friends with someone who’s going to be gone in a month right?

Miss Lady and I did not make it to the metal show last night. I am sorely disappointed. Will I ever find a metal date? We could not find filter coffee and she was sleepy. She almost said the L-word last night but I stopped her. It has been a week. She is crazy. She says she might come to Wellington with me which seems like a lot of responsibility for me. Plus we won't be able to live with my parents as that would be weird. I reached 1000 downloaded google image search pictures, here is #1000

I'm only doing this because Dut asked/threatened

I ate some really bad Vietnamese food. I used the carrot pieces to write my name.


I would really like there to be one of those old style Pizza Hut family restaurants near my house. I would pretty much live there. I would be Jabba the Pizzahut and people would come to me get loans and maybe get people whacked (with cholesterol). I would eat pizzas by folding them in half and eating them like sandwiches.

I would be so fat if I could afford it.

Capital Effort

So yes, great birthday but apprently I am now also no longer single. Not quite sure how that happened. Things are getting pretty dramatic round the flat because of it though. I really shouldn't be as motivated as I am by a need for drama.

I would be less mysterious but I really have no idea who's reading this.

Today I thought of a good title and then forgot it. True story

I'm so tired that i'm not even going to try and write the presentation i'm meant to be doing tomorrow. I'll just hope that with enough sleep i'll be charming enough to get the lecturer let me put it off.

I feel I really dropped the ball on hosting my wellingtonians today. I got us lost for like 2 hours and we ended up going to an op shop which smelled like poo. Not a great day.

It is my birthday in 2 days, maybe I can use that to get out of things. All I want is booze and maybe jeans which don't lead to indecent exposure. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

I think i'm failing uni. at least i'm not going home in the holidays.

What a great weekend (i'm counting Thurday as Friday and Friday as Saturday). Imported friends are the best.

I'm so proud, I met 3 News cutie Jesse Peach last night. He's My mum's favorite TV personality and is almost as cute in real life (although he wasn't wearing his usual slightly-too-big-suit). I now have the best ever addition to her birthday present:

Captain's Log Stardate Whatever

I'm really thankful to Prime for sorting out my Sunday mornings; 1.5 hours of non-stop Star Trek. Sadly I never wake up in time to see the first one.

In other TV-related news, it really sucks that all the good tv is between 10pm and 2.30am.

A couple of days ago I accidently gave away my secret plans through the medium of song. I was absent-mindedly singing them while waiting for the kettle and only realized after Alice asked "Are you really?". I think I got away with it anyway.

How does the whole stardate thing work? If everyone travelling at near light speed all the time wouldn't everyone be in totally different places temporally? Huh? Trekkies?

I think my lungs are broken. I'm going to avoid going out for a while. Not because of the lung thing, because I am an embarassment and it doesn't really work out in cost-benefit analysis. I walked from Parnell to Kingsland last night. It was not fun.

Can winter hurry up and end?

This is apprently the first picture I saved to this computer. It's called Johannes and the Dinosaur.

Mt. Pokemon

So despite getting anxious about other people showing up, I totally did not make it to the Mint Chicks. By the time I finished getting drunk with my flatmates and having imaginary food poisoning it was sold out and stuff. Instead, I ended up at that Cross St rave, hanging out by the wall feeling bored. Raves are actually really shit. What a fucking lame thing to become fashionable. Everyone just seems really unconvincing, like they're just going through the motions. No-one can dance properly, no-one really likes the music and it just turns into a no-talking party. Also, really bizzare demographics: viaduct munters, bogans and scenesters all in one place. I wanted to be one of the bogans. They were so awesomely self-contained.

I ended up picking up a band and had to wake up at 6 to get them settled into the various pieces of furniture they were sleeping on. They didnt leave the house till 4:30 or so which was kind of shitty. I really wanted to shower and get donuts but I couldn't.

Umm...

I wish I could be bothered reading Harry Potter. I've only managed to get through half of the first one in audiobook. Audiobooks are not as good as they're cracked up to be, especially when its an elderly man doing Hermoine's voice.

I meant to say I don't like the Mint Chicks, don't like them much at all.

They got some weird-ass shit in their attic, don't they? It's like they live with Mr. Wizard.

I just bought some MUUUUUUUUUSTARD jeans from America. I'm pretty excited. My favorite jeans now suffer 'spillages' every time I sit in certain positions and i'm having to stitch the crotch closed everytime I wash them. You probably didn't want to hear that, huh? I think they're ready for retirement anyway.

Everyone who reads this and lives in Auckland (all three of you) should come to The Mint Chicks. I really like them but I don't know... nostalgia or something.

Trippy

One of my lecturers is also my Myspace buddy! Cool huh? She was my buddy before she started lecturing and everything. I’m trying to think of a way I can exploit this for profit but I’m not coming up with much. Maybe I can threaten to shame her if I get bad marks? I don’t know. I can actually see a lot of disadvantages like having someone I know read my essay: shame. Also, the class is full of scenesters which is really crappy. Lots of acquaintances who I don’t really want to get to know better. I’m surprised by how anti-social I’m being. At the moment I pretty much only want to hang out with Wellingtonians OR A TALKING CAT. That would be really awesome.

In other news… nothing.

Except that my new flatmate is really cool and I’m glad that the domestic front is finally sweet. She uses the word ‘solid’ to mean ‘cool’ totally unself-consciously .

Also, I have a new bedsheet which is a relief after keeping the same one for over a month.

I have been thinking about growing my hair and beard really long and dressing like a lumberjack. That’d show those dicks at WINZ. AND THE LADIES.

THRILLS AND SPILLS.

A portal full of dragons and shit

For someone who spent all day in bed I sure am sleepy. Today way the best end to my holiday I could have imagined. Four of us lay around in Matts bed for like 8 hours. I think I got up maybe 5 times total and the furthest I got was to the toilet. We got Matt to deliver us KFC and I got to drink beer with breakfast, in bed. It sounds like it would be really boring but it was great, we just sat round teasing Matt and trying to create a psychic link. I also got to hang out with Baly properly which is awesome. He is so high up in my list of favorite Wellingtonians.

The party the night before was also really great. I will never tire of seeing kids I knew as gross little 4th formers getting drunk at parties with us 7th formers. Also, hooray for not saying or doing anything particularly stupid.

Now all that separates me from Auckland is a much needed sleep and a 12 hour bus ride. I'm feeling pretty ambivalent.

I can't really think of a title

I want to go home now! Stupid family pressuring me to hang around. I think I’ve fulfilled my being-an-asshole quota sufficiently for the next couple of months and can go back to being normal.

It’s weird, I have this inflated notion of how much I can get away with without alienating people down here and I always seem to feel the need to test the limits of that. The general result is that I have a couple of really fun nights and then spend the rest of the time trying not to remember them, eventually fleeing to Auckland in a cloud of disgrace. Nothing I’ve done has actually been that disgraceful, I mean, not as disgraceful as that other post suggested. The ‘near threesome’ was, for instance, nothing of the sort and the bar was mooned through a frosted window (and not alone). I know those didn’t sound like the best explanations, but in their contexts the incidents made more sense. The point is whether or not my deeds have been particularly bad, my attitude probably has. I’ve been too willing to get too wasted and have managed to be one of last party leavers way too often. Those shouldn’t be too bad in themselves but they combined with a really arrogant, self-interested attitude which makes me a really unpleasant person to be around. It’s like I take on the classic tourist position and make the whole thing about me having as much fun as I can with no concern for others.

Less than 2 weeks into my trip I’ve managed to be a dick to so many people that I’m really dreading going out. I have a dinner party to go to on Wednesday and I’m scared that my social skills have collapsed beyond the point of managing polite conversation. More profoundly, I’m scared that me and (some of) my Wellington friends no longer have anything in common and that if I talk to them sober or even at length, that will show up. There’s also the related fear that if I talk to them too long or without an escape clause (I was drunk blah blah) they’ll remember what a boring idiot I actually am and the false esteem they have for me due to my moving away will be damaged. It’s pretty stupid but this is the sort of thing that worries me. This, and what’s for dinner.

I sneezed blood but I don't think I have tuberculosis

I’m allergic to work! I never get sick ever and since I’ve been here I’ve been sneezing and eye-watering and cotton-mouthing. This sucks! Still, I’m glad that I now have an excuse to be a bum. Speaking of which, I have to get a job when I get back to Auckland. I hope it’s graveyard shift somewhere.

I think I’m going with Boxer by The National as my current album of the year. I was so so resistant thanks to the hype and the questionable music video but it is just so good. Like a way way better version of Interpol. Such a good drummer too.

I have it intermixed with The Editors and some other stuff on my mp3 player and the contrast is really interesting. There are a whole lot of similarities between The Editors and The National especially in terms of the singers’ deliveries (I keep getting them mixed up at the start of songs) and the tone of the music but as far as likeability goes, the gulf is huge. I think The Editors have the same problem as Maximo Park in terms of their song writing. There’s a tendency to depend too strongly on, often really bad, hooks and choruses. The songs have a shallowness which they try to compensate for with melodrama and pseudo-intellectual lyrics. It means that they’re kind of good for maybe 2 listens and can produce some reasonable singles but are pretty irritating in the long run.

And that’s why I don’t like The Editors.

Also, sorry Battles, one of your songs reminds me of The Beautiful People by Marylin Manson and another sounds like Chop Suey by System of a Down. That is just gross. Plus, get over your flanger already.

Being paid to blog (because I am at work)

So I am in Wellington now, actually I am in the Hutt but… you know. So far my holiday has been pretty great. I’ve gone out every night but still managed to be a reasonably attentive family member (i.e. no hungover grumpiness).

On Thursday I went to some party at Good Luck. It earned maybe a 6.5/10. Good Luck is pretty shitty as a venue and I was really only interested in hanging with old friends. Maybe I should come home less often because I’ve noticed my welcomes are getting less and less dramatic. Being broke and unable to pay for drinks was also pretty shitty. My highlight for the evening was sword fighting using florescent bulbs. That was pretty cool. I think I might have glass in my hand. Getting to take over Matts bed was pretty good too. Its only since coming here that I’ve realized how shitty my Auckland bed is.

The next day was kind of retarded. I ended up sitting round Matts room for like two hours waiting for him to show up so we could go into town. The dude has no books. I ended up reading the Illustrated Edmonds Cookbook, it wasn’t that great. We were meant to be heading into the Hutt to see The Proposition before we left but it was about 45 minutes in by the time we got there so it wasn’t great. After a couple of hours of messing round we sorted ourselves out and headed of to Palmerston North.

The ride was pretty unremarkable, as were our first couple of hours in town. It was kind of like I had expected: pretty empty and rainy and unpleasant. We went to a liquor store where I got yelled at in the carpark and then went to get drunk in the car. We succeeded. When we actually got into the venue things were pretty lame. There was some shitty Wellington roots band playing so I got to try heckling for the first time in my life. They just would not stop playing.

I don’t know if it was Tom’s fault or the venue’s but he was up on the stage and performing before the other band had even cleared off so for the first half of his set there were a bunch of guys wandering round the stage picking up gear. It looked like he was just some who had jumped on the mic and it took the crowd a while to work out he was playing. Eventually they seemed to get it and it seemed to go about as well as could be expected. Tom was great as usual.

The best bit was that after he played I totally got to mack on a Palmy girl. I was pretty impressed with myself. Especially because she was actually pretty cool. Obviously it didn’t go anywhere because
a) We were in Palmerston North
b) I’m Chris.

On the ride back I froze my ass off and Dutchy puked on me. It was pretty funny, especially because Dutchy’s reaction was to get really angry at me.

The next morning I was really surprised to find that I wasn’t hungover and spent the day hanging with the whanau. I baked a fucking awesome vegetable lasagne.
The first couple of nights home I was doing really well with the drinking. I’d managed that awesome achievement of getting really drunk and having fun without turning into a fuckwit. I have to be pretty lucky to pull it off but my luck ran out on Saturday. I can’t remember too many specifics but I was basically being either unfriendly or overfriendly and also saying really stupid shit. Things went really shit when, some time after 2, I realized that almost everyone I knew had gone and that I’d missed my bus. Facing an hour wait I took up a seat at the side of the dance floor and hit the smuggled wine hard. By the time I stood up I was pretty munted and I ended up sitting on Nigel’s knee and talking like a retard. After talking to him for about half an hour I said something so monumentally lame that I realized I had to go and escaped downstairs. Somehow I ended up at the bus stop surrounded by kids who had gone to my high school and playing my new found role of ‘creepy drunk older guy’. Luckily I got shown up in that respect by an hippie burnout on the bus who told them not to grow up and told me that he doesn’t use moustache wax when its raining because it goes fuzzy. I was very happy when I got home.

Plans for tomorrow = donuts

I am just blogging to fill in time because there's nothing I want to read and I don't want to go downstairs and watch that show about alaska with alice. that show is so patchy it makes me mad. alice is a tv nazi.

i've noticed that because i always refer to blog entries as 'blogs' i always click on the "create blog" link by mistake. I ended up on the wrong page three times today. it is the bane of my existence. that and the fact that photobucket now hates me so i can't upload a new user picture. i'm dissappointed because i found the most excellent picture. it is exactly the same as the old one but totally different. how paradoxical.

i tried to sell my textbooks today but only managed to sell one for a grand total of $6.40. I am very suspicious of the fact that that is the exact same price as a jug at shadows.

shadows is my enemy.

my seductive enemy.

it is like poison ivy (uma thurman) in the film batman rules.

I totally whaled on my exam today. I got like 99/100. their reason for keeping me from a perfect score will be "awe". the accomplishment would be more impressive if the class wasn't for first years. but i did draw a huge, gnarly hamburger in my booklet and that kind of made up for it. pluss i left an hour early. the rest of the day has been kind of a let down, i expected 'drunk and excited' but got 'sober and bored' instead. also 'cold and hungry'. i hope the rest of the week lives up to expectations.

to be honest i would actually be pretty happy if i could just sleep through the next 3 days and just get straight home. i am so looking forward to my house.

look up the word 'inane' in a rhyming dictionary. hits include: block plane, horse grain, cystic vein, and aquitaine. it is like a list of my favorite things. if those were my favorite things.

Oh man...


I woke up and I was WASTED. Like, really really drunk. In bed. It was kind of awesome. I also woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was paralysed. I wasn't.


What has happened to me lately? I was going through this really awesome phase of going out and having like 2 drinks and being fine and now I'm drinking through a hose and funnel. It is not good. Now i've got that awesome feeling where I want to avoid everyone I talked to for a very long time.


That is probably good because I am broke and having job nightmares.

I have lost 3 packs of cigarettes in one week.

Donuts for lunch, dinner, breakfast then lunch again

Whiskey!? Why did I think you would be a good idea? You hate me, I hate you, it was never going to work out. Everything seemed to be going so well too, I actually thought that maybe things were going to be ok between us. BUT YOU FOOLED ME YOU BASTARD. YOU WOKE ME UP AND KICKED ME IN THE BRAIN. And that sucked. I have not given up on us yet however. Because I still have a little left in my flask and I don’t want to think I wasted $15.

Apart from the whole getting-beaten-up-by-alcohol thing the night was pretty good. Fun hangouts and sweet bands. Sweat bands. Man, those Sneaks sure are charming. Friends too, are way charming. I should hang out with SOME PEOPLE more often. If that’s ok with them.

Baly and I went to this pretty lame party after losing everyone, I got a total “Dunedin 1983” vibe from the place but in a really suck way. After hanging out there for a while we went to this other party which was basically a bunch of 17 year olds who had just gotten out of their school ballz. It was actually way weird but I was pretty oblivious to it all by that point. A good sign that you are awesome is when people start asking your friend “Where did you get this guy?”

Party got weird

Sleep Blogging

I can't believe the first thing I did when I got home last night was sit down and blog. I am a class A retard in need of a hobby. I want a Martha Stewart style craft corner to keep me busy. I don't know what I would make because I have no manual dexterity & failed kindy.





Sometimes being hungover is really nice & today was one of those times. I just sat around & watch Freaks & Geeks & got fish & chips for lunch. The rest if the day I lay around feeling blissfully full & occasionally reading Cabinet magazine. I have probably been reading too much Cabinet. It totally brings out the nerd in me.





I bought some second-hand copies of National Geographic as part of my latest Grand Scheme. It really is a great magazine if you avoid all depictions of non-Western peoples. I think I wrote about my dream where I was living in Kamatchka, the National Geographic article on the palce totally turned that into a prophecy, I am so going to live there one day.





I've also been reading about hairless mexican dogs.

Feminist party "products"

Lame day made good. Got wasted at Rising Sun. Broke my not drinking at bars rule. I'll buy whiskey this ... week and sort that out. Shots rule. I danced. Broke another rule (not dancing in Auckland).

This doesn't mean that i'm actually entertained, I wrote half a post today which went like this:

"I've been off uni for a day and I'm already bored.

I spent today waiting for an electrican who never came and reading online magazines. "

I went on to complain about journalism but stopped because it was lame.

Have you noticed my wierd tendency to write the word 'and' instead of 'an', what's with that?

Hang out with me, internet. I am way bored from 9am to 11pm.

The Briscoes Lady Runs a Secret Dog-Fighting Ring

Wooo.

I finished my last exam about and hour ago.

I'm now free for like a month.

Extra free because apparently I've been made redundant from my occasional job.

Plastic bag shoes.

oh my god my brother is having Peter Cosby round to my parents house for a LAN party. I couldn't be more excited.

"I thought it would be a good idea to wander round with an erection all night."

If I ever stop loving Unchained Melody, please kill me.

Also, I think I'm going mad.

http://www.tungi.co.sh/

Man, I am just so bummed out and generally irritable at the moment. I can't wait till exams are over and I can go home and hang with my family and not have to worry about school and people and the flat. Maybe I should push forward my schedule and get really fat now instead of when I'm in my 50's, I hear eating is really comforting. Pluis, I have eaten pancakes every day this week.

I decided a couple of days ago that if National wins the next election I'm leaving the country. It's kind of late in the year but at least thast means I'll be rich once I leave. FOR CAAAAAAAAANADA. Or whereever else hasn't gone all neo-lib/New Labour.

I'm really pleased that the White Stripes decided to cover Walk this Way for their new single. That is awesome.

This post really isn't going anywhere.

I just freudian slipped and wrote Island instead of anywhere. I was thinking about St. Helena

Discount lipstick hoedown

All the music is so beautiful! And I should never try to sing along to Feist again!

It took me less than two days to use up our broadband limit. I rule.

In other news, I was really happy with the warm reception to Holiday with Friends last night. Bless their hearts I sure did feel proud .

I was also please to find this little tidbit attached to the Wikipedia article on Malcolm X "The fictional Marvel Comics supervillain Magneto is widely considered to be an allegorical allusion to the pre-Mecca Malcolm X, because of his vindictive militant ideologies and belief that his minority (for X, blacks, and for Magneto, mutants) is to rise up against its oppressors, "by any means necessary." Oh Wikipedia, truly you are the academic tool of the Gods.

Woah hey, I am blogging in a totally different landscape.

So... a lot has happened over the past week. A lot to do with moving flats. One of the interesting things I've found is that now that I'm living with my best friend I have no urge to blog. Pretty much everything I feel the need to say I just say to her so no need for blogging. Also, given that the only people who read this are Casey and a couple of Wellingtonians, it's just easier to talk to them in person. I'll be in Wellington in a month so no one's missing out on much. Actually, given the fact that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happpens in my life generally there's no loss for anyone. At least now I'll have stuff to talk about in person.

One thing I do want to mention though is the massive sense of agrophobia which having broadband has engendered. For about the last 3 months I have totally cut myself off from music journalism and hearing about new music, I just find it really irritating to read about all that stuff when I have neither the money nor the bandwidth to hear any of it. Now that I'm finally capable of downloading, the possiblities are pretty giddying. Hello, Neon Bible. Hello, Sky Blue Sky. Hello, The Reminder. Hello, eight hours of continous goosebumps. To top it off, I finally have a working record player so I get to listen to my VU rarites and Nick Cave covers albums for the first time in about a year. It's a non-stop party and only my ears are invited.

Wait, that is stupid.

Unlike most instruments with their extremely limited number of notes, the lute actually allows you to play the word F-U-C-K. And it sounds mint

Man, I just realised, fuck the banjo, I'm gonna learn the fucking lute. Does anyone want to buy a banjo? As new condition.

Back by popular demand, it's... CHRIS'S BLOG!

Hanging with Tony was a BLAST. There was so much potential there for things to go shit but they did not, they went THE SHIT instead. I recommend Tony as a human party bus to anyone, we went all over Auckland and had sweet as times everywhere. I can't actually remember many details. We tried to go to Elvis but that didn't really work out. We ate unripe bananas and that didn't really work out either. Finally we settled on drinking like the homelessly inclined and that worked out pretty well. It got really cold and we tried to find somewhere warm to drink but were totally spotted for our homeless appearance. We met some cool teens in the park. They were soooo 17. Tony got way into the swings and I got way into the teens. Somehow we ended up at the Skytower. It wasn't actually that exciting there, more depressing. Pretty much a brightly light room full of old people getting ripped off without even getting drunk. We kept wanting to steal stuff but there wasn't a lot available, eventually we ended up with one of those plastic cups for keeping coins in. Score. We also failed to win anything but did manage to unintentionally insult everyone around us with our snide remarks and tourist attitudes.

Once we left we went to some Irish place and stole some stuff. They played Queen really loud.

After that we went to Suite. I can't remember anything from there apart from planning to steal more stuff.

I really wish we had made it into FLOAT. That place is like my El Dorado, SO MYSTERIIOUS! Sadly they wouldn't let my shoes in

A little after that it became hometime. Tony totally tried to drink drive but ended up DESTROYING some dudes car so we played scrabble instead.

The next day I went to Hamilton.

I'll probably write about Hamilton L8rz. It was way sweet and I was SUPER SURPRISED. I'm really unhappy with this entry. I hate it when I just list events. Then again, I probably doesn't matter and at least the spelling is ok. I should also mention that it was way more fun than it probably sounds. Way way fun.

Most of my readers are overweight

HEY BLOG! Guess who got a flat today!?

THAT'S RIGHT, ALICE!

AND DUTCHY

AND MEEEEEEEEEEE

How fucking choice is that? I will be living with two of my favorite people in the world. It's going to be so sweet. We will have no seats in our lounge, just pillows and blankets on the floor. We will bake ALL THE TIME. We will have a pillow fortress as a permanent part of our furniture.
The only lame bit is that its part of a block of flats so no flatwarming, we will probably have a little party when HWF come up though (pretty much if you read this blog, you are invited)
Still, block of flat means that my new line of work is SELLING CIGARETTES TO CHILDREN. Awesome huh?

HEY, one more thing, blog. I am really unhappy with the level of readership I get on this. Seriously, I have had this for like, 2 months and thus far I have had only slightly more than the number of hits I would had for two average myspace blogs. That's pretty disappointing.

You Suck, Friday 4th of May - Sunday 6th of May!

As awesome as last weekend was, that’s how much this weekend sucked. This is a list of what I did this weekend:

- Read
- Battled fate (unsuccessfully)

So the reading was reasonably successful. I finished In the Castle of my Skin (good book) and read some articles and stuff though I’m still behind on assignments.

Battling fate, not so successful. Basically, I saw a dead cat. Seeing a dead cat is pretty much the least lucky thing in the world. It is like walking under a ladder made of mirrors and breaking it by opening your umbrella indoors. It is trouble. The cat was on Great North Rd outside the McDonalds, maybe it had just gone over there for a snack, maybe it was looking to pee on some stuff, either way its little trip ended in DEATH. I’m guessing it had been hit by a car as it was in the traditional cat-hit-by-a-car position (on the ground, dead), you might not know this, but cats which have been hit by cars will keep running for AGES afterwards so they can find somewhere sneaky to die. I don’t know what that’s all about, maybe cats have a big problem with organ farmers stealing their post-mortem organs, maybe not, I JUST DON’T KNOW. A kind of disturbing little addition to the scene was the fact that someone had to decided to put a little tea-towel on its kitty corpse as some kind of last favour. Personally I would have been more impressed if they’d given it a cigarette. Animals smoking! How hilarious!

Anyway, seeing this dead cat sent me into a spiral of misfortune which involved looking like a rentboy, talking to douches and spending a pointless hour walking back and forth across Central Auckland. Normally I would have been pretty unstressed by this but I was really after a super enjoyable weekend to off-set my upcoming two weeks of assignment related misery. Also, I had optimistic schemes based around that night which are now RUINED because I am too busy from now until FOREVER.

Now I’m going to sit around and be BITTER and maybe make some tea. AND DRINK IT.

Despite my last post which looked ANGSTY, last night was AWESOME. I had a blast. Here is last night expressed as a graph:


(I tried a line graph but the formatting was too hard)

Way to go, Last Night.

4am blogging, oh yeah.

So here's an idea, maybe I should stop referring to every girl i think is kind of cool or could imagine" getting together" with as "my crush". It really doesn't seem to be working for me.





Also (but unrelated), way to go BFFFL for making things wierd.






Finally, what's with the blanking, Lisa? What are we? Nine?

Making the Video: HWF's "There's Something in My Eye"

So originally I was going to do some scene setting and blog about the rest of the week, and then I remembered that I am lazy. Basically as far as the week up to Saturday goes:

- I went to Richard Buckner but missed Edith Frost. Buckner was cool but I wasn't really in the mood.
- I dropped a paper for uni out of frustration at my own stupidity.
- I went to the dump shop, enjoyed myself immensely
- We built props and stuff, an activity that ranged from 'enjoyable' to 'fucking irritating'

So anyway, I was woken by my alarm at 5am on Saturday. I had gone to sleep approximately 2 hours earlier and was in someone else's bed feeling extremely sick. I got changed and waited for someone to pick me up. At some point we realized the noise outside wasn't a burglar but was in fact Dutchy. I said my goodbyes and headed outside to join him in the freezing pre-dawn. Dutchy and I drove to Emily's where the band was standing round looking nearly as angry as us. After a brief argument we set off for one of the south coast beaches making a coffee and water stop on the way. We pulled out by some park near the sea and I pretty immediately had to get out and puke. I carried on puking on and off as we went about setting up the first shot.

For me, setting up involved choosing a spot to bury Gemma and then proceeding to model a mermaid’s tail out of sand around her buried legs. It was a pretty sweet-as tail if I do say so myself although I'm kind of scared it won't come out on film. After she was set up and the whale repaired we shot a couple of seconds of the whale just hanging out. I didn't realize at the time but those shots were all pretty much unusable because of my involuntary shaking. I'm trying to get the band to reshoot them now. The rest of the time we were there involved a lot of Gemma getting chased from one side of the frame to the other. In purely formal terms these were probably the best shots of the video.

After that we went over to a neighbouring park and shot Emily’s scene. At this point I was REALLY enthusiastic and happy. The shoot went well and luckily I handed the camera over to Matt (meaning I don't have to scrap anything). I also got to run on a giant hamster wheel that didn't actually move.

After we finished there we had a scheduled break so matt and I set off to get supplies and breakfast while the others went back to him and Gemma’s flat. On our way to the stationary place I came up with the seeds for my next rap project: redoing Tommy Ill songs with the last word of each line replaced with "beard". I’d give you an example but I don’t know any lyrics off by heart… YET. It's set to be a chart topper.

Back at Matt's we sat round trying to warm up for a while before setting up for matt's scene. It was at this point that I decided to fix up the whale, finishing the paint job and adding a proper eye. The problem with this was that I’d already suggested that the band members get in their positions (the bed) and it was impossible to get them back out to help me. This meant that me and Dutchy ended up struggling to fix the whale while the band sat in bed complaining. I really should have laid on the smackdown. After about half an hour the paint was dried and we were ready to shoot. Three things stood out from filming this scene: the fact that it took 3x as long as any other scene to shoot (despite the fact it was pretty simple), the fact that Matt COULD NOT STOP GIGGLING no matter how much we yelled, and me yelling at Matt to strip down to his underwear like a professional. The final result wasn't that great but at least I managed to get Matt to lie on the street wearing only a dress shirt, a bow tie and a pair of very revealing undies.

By the time we'd packed up from that scene the lack of sleep was starting to kick in, time became and issue and we ended up rushing into the Hutt to pick out Will and get the last three scenes done by 6.

This is where it all went to shit.

I was hungry, actually I was fucking starving. The intense over-feeding which my parents had subjected me to since my homecoming had stretched my stomach to the extent that I needed continual nourishment, instead I had had a nutritionally unsound McDonalds breakfast as my only meal since 5am. It was now was now 1pm. This, combined with the lack of sleep made relations with others a little rocky. What was worse was the fact that I’d run out of ideas for Will's scene

Emily's scene had been a matter of convenience, we had a playground scene in the script and HEY there was a playground right there. The problem was that that playground scene was meant for Will, not Emily. Originally, Emily was to be eaten while riding a child’s ride-on toy and Will was to be eaten while sleeping in a playground. Once we got to Matt’s parents’ house (which was the base for the rest of the shoot) everyone expected me to go ahead with the original plan and shoot Will’s playground scene. Unfortunately, I had two completely different things on my mind;
1/ EATING
And
2/ Making a good video
Sadly, the band wasn’t in the mood to let me do either. I refused to shoot a second playground scene, seeing that as lame and repetitive, the band refused to let me eat, having decided that time was too tight for luxuries like food. The result was a wasted hour of arguments and shitty filler scenes. Things got pretty heated and bitter so eventually we decided to move our scheduled break forward and to go get some lunch.

Lunch worked pretty well and we all relaxed a little, we gave up on trying to shoot Will’s scene until I came up with a proper idea and instead set about finishing the props for the final scene. At some point someone came up with the idea of shooting wills scene in the mall. I think it was originally a joke but I latched onto it pretty hardcore, I am always in favour of embarrassingly public and confrontational filming. Somewhere round that point we also realized that we weren’t going to have time to shoot all the scenes that day and thus cut Will’s scene from the shooting schedule. Gradually we ended up cutting out all the other scenes as well until we were only left with Hannah’s. Instead, I spent most of the afternoon mixing fake blood with one quick trip to the mall to do some establishing shots. We finally did Hannah’s scene around 6, everything went off surprisingly well and it felt like we were all nicely reconciled. An hour later I was home and packing for my flight.

High-powered

Pre-dawn

S.T.R.E.E.T.P.U.K.E.

Immediately post-puke

Gemma's mint-as tail

Makeup

Gemma's mint-as dong

Mad propz

I (heart) Gemma's ass

THE END

The funny thing about blogging real-life events is that your readers are sometimes your characters

Yay! I managed to log in! Blogger does not like my parents' computer for some reason. I think it is that it was made in the 1920's and runs on punch cards. Punch cards are not IBM compatible even though IBM was pretty big on them back in the day.

There has been some stuff happening lately. Mostly it is essay writing but there is other stuff too. On Sunday I STOPPED WRITING for a while and went into Wellington to have a HIGH-POWERED MEETING about the video. I did not get fired like I kind of expected. Instead I had to talk in very concrete, practical terms about the video. It was quite hard. I liked the video in abstract form. Now we have a shooting schedule and I have a to-do list. I combined the two so now my to-do list has entries like "WAKE UP AT 5am" alongside "BUY JEANS" and "Work out how to convey a whale getting it's heart broken at the realization that a mermaid is in fact a person (via a single thought bubble)" It's a pretty good list. I hope I don't miss anything.

Also on Sunday I saw Richard. Richard rules even though he now looks like a Leb. He has the best job in the world driving a jiant elevator shaped like a train. I got to be one of the guys who talks to the tram driver. I always wanted to be one of them. I also found out the old tram driver is a dirty dirty man. That reminded me of Frank, my former work mate who I haven't seen since I quit. He lives on in my memories/anecdotes as a 64 year-old miming the groping of oversized breasts. He was so cool.

After my HIGH-POWERED MEETING I went and baked biscuits with Elizabeth and Hannah. It was kind of wierd because I still felt rushed and so I was not paying much attention to anything. I think it was my fault that the biscuits sucked, I may have accidently added an extra cup of flour. We watched Gilmore Girls but didn't take much in. I am the worst person to watch GG with as I always talk and complain about the people I hate (April, Rory's new friends, Logan, the writers, even Lorelai these days) luckily the others weren't paying much attention so I got away with it. Mussy did not show up which was a bummer, I don't know if i'll be able to see her before I leave.

After baking I went to Matt's and hung out with Gemma before going back to Emily's and watching Band of Brothers and talking about war heroes. Gemily are so awesome, they are the best team ever. I hope The Huxtabelles actually start making music of their own now.

Nothing much else happened, I had to stay at Matt's because the last bus had gone. I had an enjoyable bus ride the next morning.

Since then I have been pretty much on the computer the whole time. I smell pretty bad and have 12 dirty cups/glasses in front of me. I was going to reward myself with a shower after finishing one of essays but now it seems too late in the day. That is pretty gross, huh?

The essay I finished is pretty mint in some bits but will probably only get a C because my teacher is lame and knows more about Martinique than I do. I came up with a pretty cool idea about different forms of authorship and a text's signifgance existing in social relationships but it wasn't very convincing.

Also, I have fallen in love with a 16 year old who lives in Sweden. She makes the best music I have heard in ages. I will try to write something proper about it once I am less busy.

This post would have had photos but I can't find a USB cable.





Have a GIF instead






Please enjoy its hugeness

You know that Family Guy episode where Lassie is interrupted with subliminal messages of that bald guy telling you to smoke? Well I hear his voice now and it is very convincing.

Stupid being home and unable to smoke...

I blame coffee and cream for being too delicious.

I think once I'm done with these essays i'll start doing proper blogs with structure and meaning and stuff.

But in the meantime...

Man, Liam Finn's new stuff is actually AMAZING.



And Here's a List:

Five Favorite Songs Downloaded This Week:

6: Screamin' Jay Hawkins - Hong Kong
5: Raffi - Banana Phone
4: The Four Tops - Duke of Earl
3: Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
2: Roy Orbison - Crying
1: Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody

Unchained Melody is actually the greatest song ever.

Fuck blogs man,

FUCK BLOGS

Just you know...

fuck 'em

(All left on my computer by the rustic dude who used to work here)

What is fucking lame

Do you know what is fucking lame? Coming home for the first time in months and having to spend the whole time writing about Caribbean folktales. Now I don't just feel guilty for not working enough but also for not seeing friends enough. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Saturday night was pretty sweet though.

And I am building a whale tonight.

What are you doing?

Listening to Myspace jug bands.

I have an essay due tomorrow and it is NOT WORKING. I think I will sleep and worry about it in the morning.

I was checking if the photographer who took my myspace photo (the manatee one) had a myspace and accidently invited her to join. Shame. Now she will know that I used her photo without permssion. I guess that's what the internet is all about though.

I almost made a witty observation but then found out it had been made before.

Hey Chris, how much do you wish you were born pretty much any time before 1850?
Pretty much %100.

Also, how bad do you wish you could ride a musk ox to work?
So bad it hurts.

I think I might buy like a sheep skin or hopefully some cooler animal's skin and wear that all the time.

Till I smell.

And people steer their children away from me on the street.

And I get chased out of town by villagers.

Speaking of smell, Auckland smelled really really good today. Like I actually walked to school sniffing the whole way. I tried to be real subtle but some people were probably like, "Is he sniffing me!?" I wasn't sniffing anyone. At one point I walked past this homeless guy and I was really scared I'd smell him and he'd totally ruin my smellscape. Luckily he was far away. He might not have been homeless anyway. Just a dude who likes trackpants and not shaving.

Top 3 Smells Identified by Chris on His Way to School Today:
1) Honey (I know, what the fuck smells like honey?)
2) Tar
3) Autumn
















Top 3 Goo-Goo Dolls Fansite Names:

1) Addicted to Goo
2) The GooHive (from NZ)
3) Enter the Goo

Now I really am talking to myself

Whoopi Goldblog
(s29whoopi)

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Being a smoker is awesome! That's what I realised last night as I tried lighting a cigarette whilst leaning out the window holding an umbrella. Water poured off the window frame and down my back as gust after gust tried the tear the umbrella from my hand. I puffed away too quickly and then felt sick. My mouth felt horrible, I was soaked and my room smelled like smoke. Yay cigarettes.

Pros

+ Not as ugly as myspace
+ Lets me upload from my desktop
+ Easier to navigate
+ The public at large cannot see my incessent blogging

Cons
- Auto login not working
- Won't let me put a photo of Rupert Murdoch as my profile picture
- NO HITS
- A sausage dog



























http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconuts_Musume

So I don't actually have much in the way of a first post. My new "never-leave-the-house" policy means my life is even more uneventful than before. I went to a 21st on Saturday though. That was pretty good. I managed not to freak out, only offended one person and apparently got away with stealing a bottle of wine without social scorn. Yesterday I checked out a flat with Alice. It's pretty mint and I hope they choose us. It's the place on Gundry St where all the scenesters used to live. We're a little worried that that fact would overshadow any parties there. Like everyone would be thinking "yeah, this is a good party but not as good as the old ones". Hopefully the re-branding exercise that is The Frat House should pay off and get rid of old associations. Lambda lambda lambda all the way. At the moment we have 6 possible flatmates but we're looking for more, just so we get some choice. The flat is pretty much all I think about at the moment. I really want to get out of here. I also spend a lot of time during lectures and stuff thinking about the commune. It’s a pretty good way to waste time, coming up with irrigation schemes and stuff. My latest idea is growing bamboo. Man that stuff is handy.

A week or so ago I was up till 2am trying to come up with a system to shoot blood from the whale’s blowhole for the HWF video. I forget what I decided on. I think it was based on the same principle as super soakers. In my latest awesome dream I ended up falling in love with myself. Basically there was this really amazing funny, smart and just plain awesome girl and I was like “you are the greatest person in the world, I’m so glad I met you.” When I realized it was a dream. The best bit was that the dream kept going for a while so I was just running around The Land of Nod pissed off as hell. I’ve been having really entertaining dreams lately.